Legs of Pain

My legs are in so much pain!! It hurts to climb stairs, walk, lower myself to sit down, and especially to get up from a seated position. Let me tell you how my legs got to the point where they have put me in a state of constant agony.

A few months ago my roommates decided to sign up for a rather large and unnecessary cable package. When living alone, in Kansas apartments, I went without cable because I am a cheapo. When my roommates decided to get this package, I agreed to pay the fee, but protested actually enjoying the channels. I decided TV was a distraction that I was better off without. However, this quarter I have become more interested in the favorite American pastime of staring at a glowing television.

With the cable package my apartment has now, we have On-Demand. On-Demand features special shows and movies which are available for a fee, but some are free. On On-Demand there is a special section called Exercise TV. In my New Years Resolution quest to become more fit, I decided to investigate this Exercise TV. I started with a 10-minute Pilates workout, which left me addicted. This was great! I was watching TV and doing something productive; I could feel good again about the path I was taking in my growing television addiction.

After the Pilates exercise I decided to try another more difficult, and longer program. I don't remember the name of the program, but I refer to it now as Legs of Pain: A Torture session with the Annoying Trainer from The Biggest Loser. Lunge, squat, lunge, side lunge, back lunge, jumping jacks, squat, lunge, lunge again... and so it went, on and on and on.

30 minutes in, we jumped rope. Well, actually, she had me "pretending" to jump rope, arm motions and all, when there was actually no rope there for me to jump. Jumping a "pretend" rope requires motor skills I was never taught. I had a jump rope as a child. I could tell this trainer never had a jump rope when she was a kid, she was too good at pretending. She must have perfected these skills between age 5 and 8, a crucial learning time period for jumping rope. At least she didn't make me jump double-dutch, I might have tripped.

After another 20 minutes, the workout was over and I was thrown back into reality. I left my Exercise TV daze and realized I couldn't feel my legs. I never felt pain when I was doing the workout, I think the jump roper hypnotized me. Now I could tell that I overdid it. My legs felt like useless meat lumps hanging from my midsection. Moving them was difficult, but I walked around hoping it would make them feel a bit better. I went to sleep an hour later, hoping that my lower extremity condition would heal itself over night.

It didn't. The next day was worse! I was constantly reminded of the quality time I spent with the torturer from The Biggest Loser. My legs were screaming at me to cut them off! I groaned at every move. The groaning was particularly embarrassing on the train ride to work, when I had to stand for 40 minutes, enduring the constant starting and stopping which would throw me off balance and engage my shredded leg muscles.

I made it through the day though, and made it home to continue recovery. I had hot pads on my legs all last night and stretched out for at least an hour. I am feeling better today - I can move, but am still in pain. I thought my New Years Resolution to get in shape would improve my life, not cause me so much distress. Maybe this exercise thing isn't a good idea...